Last Night John Barnes Came to Me in a Dream

Last night John Barnes came to me in a dream
He put a penalty past Robert Green
And then he asked me to play for his team
Last night John Barnes came to me in a dream

Last night Prince Charles came to me in a dream
He said "Frightfully charming to meet you old bean,
I'm going hunting, my prey is the Queen"
Last night Prince Charles came to me in a dream

Last night Saddam came to me in a dream
He said "I am sorry for my evil regime"
But I kicked his nuts, no forgive or redeem
Last night Saddam came to me in a dream

Michael J. Fox came to me in a dream
dressed like the 80s and still in his teens
I said "I hold you in the highest esteem"
Michael J. Fox came to me in a dream

Last night John Hughes came to me in a dream
Holding a bag full of Micro Machines
He said "You know what to do with these"
Last night John Hughes came to me in a dream

Last night a man came to me in a dream
He said "God creates but does not intervene
My name is Albert, I'm more than I seem"
Last night a man came to me in a dream

Last night a fish came to me in a dream
bouncing around on a blue trampoline
He said "I was sick of just swimming upstream"
Last night a fish came to me in a dream

But all these people know
That I don't want to go
From one to the other
And all these people know
That you'll put on a show
And next it's your mother

Last night your mum came to me in a dream
She said "I'm worried my child is becoming obscene,
Please won't you do something to keep his mouth clean"
Last night your mum came to me in a dream

Last night John Barnes came to me in a dream
Wearing a shirt that said "10 - Goal Machine"
Then he did a rap that was fucking supreme
Last night John Barnes came to me in a dream

Santa's in the House

Outside it is freezing
but inside it is warm
He's coming here this evening
with presents for the morn

That funky funky fat man
will drain his sherry glass
He'll come in down the chimney
and shake his jolly ass

'Cause Santa's in the house
Santa's in the house
I got Christmas fever
Because Santa's in the house

Now not a creature is stirring
not even a mouse
That fever is occurring
'Cause Santa's in the house

Santa's in the house
Santa's in the house
I got Christmas fever
Because Santa's in the house

I hope he fills my stocking
I don't want no coal
We can get things rocking
with some Christmas rock 'n' roll

I hope he fills my stocking
I don't want no coal
All I want for Christmas
is some Christmas rock 'n' roll

Santa's in the house
Santa's in the house
I got Christmas fever
Because Santa's in the house

When Santa comes in with a beard on his chin
I'll be hiding over here behind the tree waiting for him
I'll put him in a headlock and pull out my piece
Stick it in his face and his heart rate will increase
But I'll take it away again because Santa is obese
and if he has a cardiac arrest I'll have to deal with the police
But if he doesn't give me all the things for which I've asked
I'll bust a cap right in his jolly ass

I want bitches (bitches)
and hoes (hoes)
I said bitches (bitches)
and ho ho hoes (ho ho hoes)
Everybody say bitches (bitches)
and hoes (hoes)
I want bitches (bitches)
and ho ho hoes (ho ho hoes)

Santa's in the house
Santa's in the house
I got Christmas fever
Because Santa's in the house

I Have Been Cared For

Maybe if it hadn't fallen at my feet
character would be more prevelant
but I have been cared for

I don't know a thing about the street
I fall apart in an argument
but I have been cared for

I have been like a local council
filling potholes with gravel and sand
they are fixed for a short while
but crumble at the slightest touch of my hand

but I have been so cared for

I Got Punched in the Nose for Sticking My Face into Other Peoples' Business

I've been interfering in somebody else's life
But only 'cause I know the jerk-off's cheating on his wife
It's been playing on my conscience, my sense of right and wrong
and it was that son-of-a-bitch's idea that I put it in a song

The first time that I met him he was dressed in white
and I had just been jilted, I was wound up pretty tight
I didn't think too much of him but the benefit of doubt
I allowed him 'til we had a conversation one night out

He was looking at a barmaid like a luscious piece of meat
and confessed to me without a thought his infidelities
and his basic lack of courtesy, it left me feeling sick
so ever since that night I knew I had a bone to pick

Well I drank a quart of whiskey 'cause I thought my life was finished
Well I guess sometimes that's just the way it goes
Then I stuck my southern face right into someone else's business
and that's why I got puched square in the nose

I went around to tell her but I couldn't face the task
and I have never felt more helpless as I watched her through the glass
The next time that I saw him I was standing in the street
and I drunk as hell confronted him and told him not to cheat

He told me to stay out of it and he squared up to me
and although he was a bigger man I had to disagree
I said "I haven't had a fight since I was back in school
but I beat the shit from that kid and now I'll beat the shit from you"

Well I drank a quart of whiskey 'cause I thought my life was finished
Well I guess sometimes that's just the way it goes
Then I stuck my southern face right into someone else's business
and that's why I got puched square in the nose

The moral of this story is 'It isn't good to fight
and it isn't good to sleep around and stay away all night'
I've got Billy on my side and Glen is just an arsehole
and I know he's ridiculous and he will finish last

Oh I got punched in the nose for sticking my face into other peoples' business
It wasn't very smart and it shows
but to this day I don't regret it
and as God is my witness, I'd do it all again because I got the girl

Well I drank a quart of whiskey 'cause I thought my life was finished
Well I guess sometimes that's just the way it goes
Then I stuck my southern face right into someone else's business
and that's why I got puched square in the nose
and that's why I got puched square in the nose

25

Behind a pane
within a frame
Your teenage eyes
Again and again I hear your name
Your teenage lies

No, I can't describe the feeling
You were my predilection
I found you so appealing
but you were only fiction

You're meant to be a schoolgirl but you're clearly 25,
an unsubtle work of fiction with a prejudice to jive,
and when I turn you on my TV and look you in the eye
I can say with some conviction that you make me feel alive

And now I am much older than you were meant to be
but in fact about the same age you were in '93
and I can still remember the way it made me feel
when you smiled a smile the way you smiled a smile at me

Concerning the Use of Whiskey as a Metaphor for Gin

And no I don't drink whiskey
although my songs say I do
It's just a device that I use

And when I say whiskey
I really mean something else
like gin or wine
but I've already said gin
and I've already said wine

And when I say I don't drink whiskey
well then that's not just a device that I use
Because I don't drink much whiskey
but I do drink booze

But mostly gin and mostly wine
and mostly all of the time

And no I don't drink whiskey
because it makes my heart bleed
and my heart's always bleeding all over my body
my heart's always bleeding all over for you
and my heart's always bleeding all over my body
and guiding it 'round in little tubes

My blood doesn't have the usual red colour
not the red colour that usual blood has
My blood doesn't have the usual red colour
more like the colour of five pound shiraz

My blood doesn't have the usual red colour
the usual red colour that all blood should have
My blood doesn't have the usual red colour
it's more like a reasonably priced cab sav

I don't drink whiskey
but I do drink booze
well whiskey is just a word that I use
to mean gin from Plymouth or bottles of wine
at ten pounds reduced to five

I don't drink whiskey
no I don't drink whiskey
I don't drink whiskey
no I don't drink whiskey
'cause it hurts my mind

Epistle

Dear Annabelle,
I hope this finds you well
It's been a while since I spoke to you
but now I find myself with nothing better to do
I caught your name and number
but still we really didn't know each other
and with things about to move forward
despite all that's happening
near where I'm going in the world
I feel a real change for the first time
and I want to seize this opportunity
so won't you please write back to me
There is a time for discovery
and a time for forming stability
and both for me are now
for although the future needs to be planned
I now find my life in my own hands
and living for the moment is important for how
we make the most of it
and don't live to regret
I must not make a mess of this
and take it all and piss it all away

The White, the Green, the Brown

The morning of the night before
is when I cared for you no more
A weight was lifted from my back
and I am gone

The white, the green, the brown
They turned me upside down
and I know the truth is that
that's what I was before

The difference in the way my life
is lived in line with yours
has finally stuck and opened up
a so symbolic door

The night that changed me was the best
I've had upon this earth
The white, the green, the brown
the magical and her

The white, the green, the brown, the gin
and you in bed with him
Truth misleading give me slack
and I am gone

I'm Twice the Man He is and Now I Will Prove it

And glass after glass
we are just making masks
and somebody else is in my seat
And they won't move
and each time I sip
I cannot complain
I'm beginning to slip

And the man in the corner says go home to bed
but I'm feeling New Order, it's stuck in my head
and now people are slapping in time with the music
I'm not discontent as I finally lose it

And oh how do I prove
and oh what is the use
when I know I'm far too shy
and when things come my way I won't happily die

And the man in the corner says go home to bed
but I'm feeling New Order, it's stuck in my head
and now people are slapping in time with the music
I'm not discontent as I finally lose it
A boy on the dance floor has very nice shoes
Shit, I'm twice the man he is and now I will prove it

But oh how do I prove
and oh what is the use
when I know I'm far too shy
and when things come my way I won't happily die

Careful! Ice!

I've got a little pile of you
Run around
Make it true
Look twice
Careful! Ice!
Looks good
See it through
Learn a song
Get it wrong
Wait a tick
Make it big
Get stoned
Drink alone
Come in
I'll go

Madonna Teeth

Just playing along
Just playing along
It all happened so fast

You came to me
and sat on your seat
with your Madonna teeth
with your Madonna teeth

And just like a gift horse
Just like a gift horse
you gave me a gift

And will it always be
so simple now for me
as your Madonna teeth?
as your Madonna teeth?

I just got something
and almost for nothing
I got a feeling
just playing along

Robbed of the digits
just when I was winning

But just like a ditched horse
just like a ditched horse
I was pulled from my ditch

Air in Me

There's something in me
There's something in me
There's something in me
There's something in me

I'm thinking of a tune
and it sounds like Paul Weller
Those blue green eyes
but I'm just so jealous of her
So very jealous of her

There's air in me
There's air in me
There's air in me
There's air in me

Look into those eyes
They're so blue-green
Now I realise
That she should be jealous of me
She should be jealous of me

The Readjustment Blues

Are you feeling lonely, a little lonely now
I'm feeling lonely, a little lonely now
We were together for so long, I don't know how

How to live my life now, I'm so used to you
How to live my life now without kissing you
Things I used to know are back to new

I'll be your best friend if you'll be mine too
I'll be your best friend if you'll be mine too
It feels a little strange baby now we're through

Remember baby when you first were mine
Remember baby I was feeling fine
I still feel happy more than half the time

I have my bad days and I know you got yours
I have my bad days and I know you got yours
But the good days honey are getting more and more

I love you baby, you know I always will
I love you baby, you know I always will
We've been through so much you know I love you still

Come on people, have you heard the news
Come on people, ain't you heard the news
We're moving on but I've got the readjustment blues

Bring on the Sun

You're not around and I can't think of anything but you
In my comfortable prison, the night is done
and these thoughts won't let me escape into a slumber
so bring on the sun

Your gift awaits but unaware
you're peaceful with the world
Your waiting prize lies anxious
counting no more thoughts beyond
The smile that was promised
is just this hanging sunrise off
It should hurry for now the night is done

Rise, please rise, or I will fold in on myself
What I want to give you is a feeling you can keep
Rise, please rise, or I will fold in on myself
It's Christmas eve to me and that has robbed me of my sleep

I forgot about this feeling
unbearable excitement
and when you're not around I have no other thoughts but one
It's creeping now and here alone the birds and I both know
so bring on the sun

Too Much Money

I never was a poor young boy
and never could not eat
The middle station is the place
for comfort and for peace

By the river every year
the blazers come to play
and with their noses pointed up
drink their weight in fine champagne

I could not have asked for more
than my parents gave to us
I know that my integrity
is better off because

The richest people in this town
get that way by misering
The more you have the more you need
to buy your family things

But I could not have asked for more
than my parents could provide
If I had been a millionaire
I never would have tried

Think of a Number

I am thinking of a number between one and ten
If you guess it I will kiss you
and we'll do it again until you get it right
until you get it right

We'll take it as it comes
You never really know why people are alone
If you don't want to know I think I'd rather know
I'll try to move along

We're all having such a good time
Having such a good time
There's just one thing that haunts me
I'm trying not to hold on
I'm trying not to hold on
I'm trying not to hold on

I am thinking of a number between one and a hundred
Guess it and I'll kiss you
and we'll do it again
we'll do it again until you get it right

Johnny Cash

Taking chances isn't easy
red tape
red tape
successful tortured souls and weirdos
can't be bothered
red tape
i haven't suffered

mental
mental
mental people make it
the only acceptance
from mouse to idol
oh bullied genius

i got the record just in time
now johnny cash is not alive
gravel, rock
losing determine
came into my life
now johnny cash is not alive

That was Some Self Pitying Nonsense

I'm going out and I feel alive tonight
It sometimes feels it all is going right
The ever changing mirror shows me each day
A picture that seems somehow new

On wednesday I was bored and feeling talentless
The truest mirror in a slump
That's indulgence
But thursday's indulgence
reflections tarnished, up again

In a slump you know you're looking through it

The ever changing faces that I see
That I show myself

Each day I'm the same person
But my underwear has changed
And each day I am basically the same
But each day my hair has changed

We are Not Old

We have our lives ahead of us
And now there'll be no tearing us apart.
And when she speaks of worldly views
in just the way that I would choose, it's art

We have our lives ahead of us
And now there'll be no tearing us apart.
And when we share a week of booze
the tiny imperfections fuse in my heart

Oh, my sweetheart
is just right

Je voudrais
si elle a mangé le petit déjeuner

mais, entre autres qualités complémentaires

nous avons le même anniversaire

Ups and Downs and Hangovers

Things are really going badly
Things are really going wrong
But I don't care cos you're with me
And I'm with you

My life is going down the toilet
My plans are going down the tube
I live in fear of disappointment
and so do you

I'm never getting out of bed again
I'm never going out this room
Feed me through a drip my friend
I can't bring myself to chew

Things are really going badly
Things are really going wrong
I think I'll drink away the pain of you

I'll never drink again I swear
It's time to make a change
My head is swollen, I feel rare
I don't feel like living much today

Things are really going well my friend
Things are picking up
I think I'll have a drink to celebrate with you

I'll never drink again I swear
It's time to make a change
My head is swollen, I feel rare
I don't feel like living much today
I don't feel like living much today
I don't feel like living much today

The Painter

I'm not a writer, I just work in paint
Painting it over until it's too late
In red and white letters they're starting to show
And teach me a lesson I already know

All that I own is clean
Except for what I'm wearing
I know that it is a ridiculous craft
To stick forks in the toaster and sit in the bath

Underfoot the whole world is shaking
And sometimes it feels like a big waste of time
But once in a while your whole world is shaken
A yellow light on a busless horizon

Lightning red wine and a mug full of tea
EL just a girl from a party
Every so often I'm driven to write
And float on the air like a childless kite

The Whiskey and the Rum

Flew into the country on a golden night in spring
You were looking pretty in spite of everything
I was out to visit for a summer far from home
And I don't want to end up all alone

Take me to the bars and clubs then take me home to bed
Dress me, feed me, lay me down, hold a damp cloth to my head
A lost and lonely figure I have now become
I have killed my head with all the whiskey and the rum
And I'm hurting so

Laying here in london my life feels so far away
I owe drinks to everyone, I have no means to pay
It hurts to think, it hurts to breath now in this room
And I don't want to end up all alone

Finally came around now and the autumn's setting in
Have a glass of vodka, I'll have a glass of gin
Drink away the night drink with the dying sun
I have killed my head with all the whiskey and the rum
And I'm hurting so

Leaving soon this stale room has been no help at all
I can't run and I can't walk, hell I can't even crawl
Feeling lost and feeling lonely, feel so far from home
And I don't want to end up all alone

Drove back to the country on a sunday afternoon
I am out of money, spent it all way back in June
Dead inside from sorrow, now you've spoiled all my fun
Dead inside from heartache, now I'm living like a bum
Dead inside from sorrow, now you've spoiled all my fun
And I have killed my head with all the whiskey and the rum

The Final Word

It's starting to get to me how you never call me back
You never really bettered yourself, just poured concrete into the cracks
Now I feel disillusioned and you're really not helping yourself
Sometimes love isn't enough, see there are too many things that you lack

Girl you treated me right in the long run but you made some dreadful mistakes
And the same things came up again and again, they were making the whole of me ache
Well I know that was all my fault and your lips were so soft and moved better than these
But you did far worse to me and you still had me down on my knees

Look I said before I was sorry and understood if you wanted to leave
I thought you said we'd be stronger from then, you'd forgotten it, you'd forgiven me
Well I guess you can't really forget that, and I guess I did do it again
But you can't say now it was all my fault, you were still right there at the end

My nature back then was submissive and weak and my love for you weakened me more
I could never have been the one who, so I'm thankful you showed me the door
I had grown more than you had dear, yes I'd grown more that you had grown dear
Our worlds never really collided, more kind of merged themselves over the years

Temper, Temper

Think about going home.
Take your time, you always moan.
And I think you should think about classes for this,
I'm sure that there's someone who could help you control your fits.

Are you thinking about lashing out again?
Take your time, you always complain.
And I think you should think about classes for this,
I'm sure that there's someone who could help you control your fists.

Five seconds is all that it takes,
to count to ten or do it again.
Leaving the room without causing distress,
or beating a man to a bloody mess.

The Best Years of My Life

I'll take you with me
I know you see
I know you love me and I love you also
But I must go
Why, I just don't know

When I leave here to start next year will our air be clear?
Will we be fine?
Will you still be mine?
We'll know in time

I've tried to give the best years of my life to you
But now we must change
If we continue this way we could be through

Forgive me all my sins
I wouldn't hurt you intentionally
I'm sorry for all the things I've done that made you sad
I didn't think

I've tried to give the best years of my life to you
I know I've done things that have made you blue
But don't forget the times I was good

And I never meant any harm
I just don't think
I just forget

And now when we speak I remember that we can strong
I know I was wrong
And I know that I've failed myself
But I'm trying to win, I'm trying to help

I've tried to give the best years of my life to you
But now I can see that I've failed us too
I can see I've failed us too

Building Dreams From Strangers' Smiles

We seemed to have some sort of connection,
I don't know.
Let's just take it easy and then we will see what grows.
There were 20 feet between us when you looked into my head.
It was like a miracle.
This is what you said:

You said I can see a thousand miles
of tarmac stretching out,
no, not one thousand, right to the horizon.
We exchanged glances and each had nothing to say.
There was solid air between us
and then we both drove away.

I try to be creative,
put some words onto a page,
but my brain has built defences,
put my mind into a cage.
Sitting here devising among the paper and the glue,
I start to think of words,
it just reminded me of you.

Driving off was such a wrench,
but in my mind it's beautiful when we finally meet again.
To be so off, so full of you
if only for a moment, it'll do, it'll do.

And if you are a genius I'll read your poetry,
but if you're not I'll become bored of it eventually.
What I've got to offer is nothing.
I'm afraid I'm a literary no-one,
not for someone of my age.

You could be a genius
or you could be a fool,
you could be an 'ologist
or you could be in school,
it doesn't matter any way, the past is all but past
except for in my memory and it probably won't even last in there

That day when I saw you driving past me in your car,
it was all about the moment 'cause I don't know who you are.
I looked at you and you smiled back and something flowed between;
building dreams from strangers' smiles is really quite obscene.

On Loop

I see heather crawling
Don't disturb the leaf
I feel rain falling underneath my feet

Tap tap tap

Everything connected
Flowing grace
Wired hair growing from your face

Aaah! We're safe

I am burning
Let's escape
I'm a wreck of shattered tape

On loop

Spilt Tea

I'm trying not to cause offense
Everything I say
A bit of niceness, more politeness
Wouldn't go astray
And as way of recompense
The next drink is on me
In the garden
Beg your pardon
Oh I've spilt my tea

Go to see the village of the tiny little men
Being polite
Flying your kite
Playing in your den
Let's have an adventure
Take a drive out to the sea
Or darling, come on
Trip to London
Oh I've spilt my tea

I want to take the cheeses out on the summer breeezes
Eating a picnic in the park

Breaking out the ginger ale and pimms for you and me
Take a wicket
Just not cricket
6 is in the tree
7 cones of ice cream
Take a boat and, sailless, sail
Up the Thames and back again
Don't spill your ginger ale

I knew to pack this shandy
I knew it'd come in handy on a sunny day like this
I'd like to see you trump it
A little tea and crumpet
Quiet living in the hiss

Male Behaviour and the Female Form

you said you're in love
that cannot be
because i don't love you
you can't love me

it's all about
the pretty little ladies
so cast you into hades
for being a man

and if i could draw
you're focus down to the floor
can't you see there's so much more to me

you're malnourished heart it thumps
for my beguiling curves and bumps
you love my lovely lady lumps

I Love My Pyjamas

I love my pyjamas
They're comfy, warm and snug
When I hear my alarms
I know I'm out of luck
I love my pyjamas
they keep me safe at night
When I'm in my pyjamas
Everything's alright

Tuck me in and say goodnight
Tell me everything's going to be alright
Sing me to sleep with a lullabye
Brush my teeth and towel me dry
I love my pyjamas, they really sure are swell
If I could I'd wear pyjamas in the day as well

I'm Not Addicted

I'm not addicted
I don't need your help
because it's something that I like to do
I could stop it if I wanted to

And I'm not addicted
It's only when I'm drinking
And it's only at the weekend
or I'm up all night
or I've got some left

Should we face the facts as they appear
or put ourselves to the test
Because all those months were easy when I wasn't living here
and I could feel the difference in my chest

So 10, 10, 10 should probably be enough
10, 10, 10 should probably be enough
For you, you, but maybe that's not quite enough for 2
2 2 of us to feel rough
tomorrow morning

I Fell in Love With a Boy From KFC

Even after all I had accomplished I was hungry for more
That's when I saw him filling buckets and mopping the floor
The room starting spinning I was dizzy from the dancing and the booze
He gave me some chicken, I threw up on my shoes

I said "I'm a singer
I've got a guitar
Join me and baby
we could go far
What you're doing here"
i said "is lost on me"

I fell in love
I fell in love
I fell in love
I fell in love
With a boy from KFC


It was the end of a chaotic narcotic night in the town
A cabaret carnival, it was dragging me down
My partner was stricken, sitting in the shop on the ground
But he gave him some chicken and it brought him around

I said "I'm a singer
I've got a guitar
Join me and baby
we could go far
You're wasted in here
can't you see?"

I fell in love
I fell in love
I fell in love
I fell in love
With a boy from KFC

Now I'm a singer
I've got a guitar
without that boy
we'd have never got far
I'll always remember the night that
we became three

I fell in love
I fell in love
I fell in love
I fell in love
With a boy from KFC

all to yourself

Having said you tickled my dreams
and made me laugh,
heaven sent,
you opened my beans
and only used half

Seemingly apparent
in a tatty black dress,
raiding fridges,
hiding wrinkles under your vest,
all over your chest

Now I know that all you ever wanted was yourself
up on your shelf,
Virus, tumor, fat consumer
drinking my health
all to yourself

Passing blame to evil employers,
shame on you
Light reflected world destroyers
Why not sue?
Seize your opportunities,
shame on me,
trample, maim and disregard
because life can be mean